Have you ever had a moment where you stopped and thought to yourself " I really don't like who I am?"
This is my life. Everything about me screams "fuck up".
Where to begin, where to begin.
Well as soon as I stopped working I took up a drug habit.
It feels like i'm always high, not that I mind.
Don't worry, I'm not on crack.
Just smoking a lot of pot... and occasionally swallowing some MDMA
Drugs just make me feel happy, like anything is possible.
Drugs help me forget.
Forget that I'm fat.
Forget that I'm alone.
Forget that I'm on academic probation.
Forget that I lost my best friend.
My best friend. How I love him. How I wish he never kissed me.
I'm sick of being led on. I'm sick of being lied to.
Don't tell me you "respect" me when you obviously don't.
If you wanted me, you could have had me. But no, you always need girls on the side. Or am I the girl on the side? I guess I'll never know.
How could you hold me in your arms and tell me you love me?
How can you expect me to still be friends with you?
How can you think you've done nothing wrong?
I never want to cry about you ever again, but it's all I seem to do.
I've stood by you for a long time, your loyal best friend, watching you treat girls like shit.
Why did I think I would be any different?
The sick thing is I miss you and if you gave me a real apology, I'd probably forgive all.
I wish you could see how badly you've fucked with my feelings.
Why don't you care about me the way I care about you, you told me you cared.
I just want to forget you forever but you won't let me.
Please just let me forget you.
Stop texting me calling me sweetheart.
Stop telling me you miss me.
I leave for Halifax in 3 days, and at this point, I plan on never looking back.
I just want to get high and not eat and live out the rest of my days without you. That's a lie.
I wish Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind were real and I could pay a specialist to wipe you from my mind.
Something tells me you'll be haunting me forever.
Started sleeping with my ex.
That was probably never a good idea.
5 a.m. Flying from the M. It just happened...
then it happened again and again.
Fuck, I'd forgotten how much I loved you, how wonderful you are.
I'll never forgive myself for fucking up that relationship.
and i'm worried that i'm fucking you up more by sleeping with you.
Please don't ever hate me for taking you for granted.
I truly believe you were the best boyfriend I'll ever have and I'm sorry.
If it weren't for me, we could have made it.
Got into a huge drunken fight with my mother at the cottage.
Told her she pressures me.
Told her she expects to much.
Told her I'm stupid.
Told her I throw up my meals.
and I quote"Jesus how dumb are you? that's no way to lose weight. Why do you cry all the time? If you just lost weight you wouldn't be so depressed"
All of this screamed at me so loud the neighbours light came on.
I love you mom, but I resent you.
Cue the feelings of worthlessness.
The thoughts of death.
Texted my (ex)best friend.
"Look, I know we are in a fight but can you please call me for five minutes. I really need a friend right now."
Response: "We are fighting? And I can't I'm with my girlfriend"
FUCK YOU
I needed you.
For five fucking minutes.
All I wanted to hear was "You are worth every breath you take and are a good person"
All I got was "I'm busy"
If you had texted me in such a desperate way I would have been in my car on my way to your house.
I haven't even earned a phone call.
It's probably for the best you broke my heart. You're obviously a douchbag.
Cried uncontrollably for 45 minutes alone, by the fire.
Cried uncontrollably writing this blog.
Thanks for reading, after all misery loves company.
P.S.
Dear Ally,
If you are reading this I want you to know I got all caught up on your blog.
You are worth every single breath you take. I'm so sorry you've had a rough summer and I'm ever more sorry that I've been such a shitty friend during it. And I know I have. But if we are being honest, I've usually just been too stoned to deal with anyones problems but my own. I've been selfish and too busy wallowing in self-pity. I love you and I'll be in Halifax soon. Stay Strong.
