New Lows

I know I am terrible at updating, but as I am sure, if you are reading this blog in the first place, you understand why.

Before I delve into the dirty details, I'd like to take a moment to reach out to an old friend.
Ally, I have no idea if you still check this at all, but if you are reading this, stop now. You have been so strong in recent months and achieved something much more valuable than a low number on the scale... you have regained your health. You are an inspiration and please, PLEASE, do not trigger yourself by reading more. Do not worry about me. Although my eating habits are far from normal, I am no where near as bad as I once was.

Updates on the general aspects of my life:
The formally (ex) best friend came grovelling back with his tail between his legs late summer, and things have never been better. I do not want to use the "L" word, but we may be soul mates. He is perfection to me. He is the only person capable of talking me down from the precipice and I have no doubt in my mind I'd be spending far more time with my head in the toilet without him. He gives me reasons to strive for health and gives me dreams of a long life. Most importantly, he tells me I am beautiful, and when he says it, I believe it. Even if I do not always agree, the sincerity in his compliments means everything to me. I have reached a point where I would not necessarily use the word 'beautiful' to describe myself, but I would not use the word 'disgusting' either. I was nervous to write about it before now because I am so afraid of losing him and that in itself is terrifying to me.

I have become self-reliant and fully independent. I do not want to need another person. I do not want to become somebody's 'girlfriend' like I was in high school. With dependency comes heartbreak, so for now my walls remain up. But one day, I hope he will break them down and come crashing into my life. My only fear is that he will not wait around until the day I am ready to let him in. We live 1435 km apart, and until this number (like so many other numbers in my life) is significantly less, we've agreed to remain friends (with some benefits).

Speaking of who I was in high school, I am completely and entirely over the ex. I harbour no feelings of animosity, but we simply have nothing in common anymore. We've grown up and subsequently grown apart but I whole-heartedly wish him the best and I hope he finds a girl to treat him better then I ever did, because (despite his recent behaviour) he was nothing but a gentleman and an ideal boyfriend. He deserves happiness and I hope he finds it, but I no longer wish to be apart of his life or have him in mine. Maybe this is a sign of maturity...

Sorry to rant about my life, I'm sure most of you care primarily about my relationship with food, not boys but it's my blog so I'll do what I want.

The numbers, the numbers...

I weighed myself this morning.
I am at the lowest weight I've been since the 10th grade (that's 5 years folks).
I am happy to report that since the start of the semester, I have only yakked 3 times. I know it is not perfect, but there was a point not too long ago when I was yakking 3 times a day. I am proud of my progress and all I can do is try.

That being said, I laxed yesterday. The end of semester stress seems to grab hold of me every time, and when I feel my world slipping from my control, I resort to old habits and regain control the only way I know how. I know I am harming my body, but once again i am still proud because it has been months since my last lax, and I took significantly less then I have in the past (only 5 versus my old norm of 24). I have tried to adapt an optimistic view on life and remind myself of the good things, even within my mistakes. Baby steps are everything.

Although I have been keeping my purging relatively in check, I know I do not eat enough. The struggle is very real and to anyone thinking I should simply "eat more", you haven't got a clue. i am also growing increasingly concerned that I genuinely do not see my body the way the rest of the world does. I look in the mirror and what I see does not match what I am told. Even as I pinch and pull at all the flab I wish were gone, it feels smaller than it looks. I have now lost over 50 pounds since the end of first year, but in my mirror and in my mind my body has not changed. I wish I could see myself as others do. But enough about this. I'll still keep some secrets for myself and the gory details are not for you to know, they are for me.

If you've read this far, thank-you and remember: you are a strong, beautiful, independent person who's worth is defined by so much more than numbers.
Stay strong my lovelies, I'll be back soon
Bea <3

Phuck food.

I love not eating. I'd forgotten the simple pleasure of a growling stomach and an empty bowel. I feel as though I can go on forever. I am so close to another goal I can taste it. Stay strong, my lovelies. Do whatever you need too to get through the day.

4 down and feeling good.

The first solid shit after laxing is euphoric. In other news, 4 of those 10 pounds are gone once again. 

10 pounds up and breaking down

If anyone remembers what it feels like to not loath yourself, please let me know. I'd like to stop crying and get up off the bathroom floor at some point. 

Please stop.

Please stop commenting on my size.

Please stop commenting on various body parts.

Please stop asking me about my eating habits.

Please just let me be.

It's funny isn't it? In the beginning all I wanted in the whole wide world was for someone, anyone to tell me I looked like I lost weight. Now I cringe every time I hear it. 

What is happiness?

Just tried on my prom dress from two years ago.

It's too big.

Why doesn't that make me happy?

It's been too long (once again)

Hello dear friends,

I am sorry (once again) for not posting regularly. Life is... Life.

On the bright side of things, I weigh less then I did when I graduated high school (meaning this is the smallest I've been in 2 1/2 years) it is still not enough.

None of my clothes fit well. Everything is baggy and slowly slips down past my hips and off my shoulders.

This does not make me happy.

I've reached my first goal (surpassed actually) but it simply Isn't enough. Will it ever be enough? I am torn. I want to eat. My body craves nutrients. But after ballooning to maximum capacity during first year I am terrified. This terror is all consuming. In my mind, every calorie I allow to pass my lips will stick to my thighs for eternity, trapping me back into my previous size 14 body. Yesterday, as I was changing into pyjamas, I caught a side glimpse of my body in the mirror and began to sob. I am disgusting. I've cut my pant size in half, and I still feel disgusting. The sight of my body is grotesque. I do not want anyone to see me. The boys in my life, the (ex) best friend and ex boyfriend I describe so often, are both douches. I haven't spoken to ex-bestfriend in weeks. He puts no effort into contacting me and I am exhausted from trying to save our friendship. But I am no longer angry. I feel as though I am ready to let him slip out of my life. The ex-boyfriend, on the other hand, has taken me completely by surprise. We slept together once (our summertime tradition) but he is running with a new crowd nowadays. Ironically, my old crowd whom he used to mock. Those same people shocked by the fall of their golden girl (guess what, they still have not gotten over my cheating). The ex has forgiven me and we were friends, so I thought. Now, he'll only come over at 2 am for sex, and he's out the door by 5. He also will not be seen with me around his new crowd. It's as if he is ashamed of me. He can go fuck himself. After almost 5 years of dating, and two years of friendship after that, I will not allow him to treat me like a booty call. This is why girls like me have zero self-worth. It is because boys like that tell us through their actions that we are worthless. 

Stay strong my lovelies, I'll be back soon.

Finals

The stress is getting out of hand.
Stimulants. Hallucinogenics. Staying up all night.
No food. Vomit. Cigarettes. Loneliness.
Freedom is within reach...
But what does that mean?