Why

Have you ever wondered why?
I was trying to remember the first time I skipped a meal, or the first time I purged.
And I couldn't. Then I started to wonder why?
Why did I ever think that this was the path I wanted to take?
There was the obvious, I was  am fat.
But besides that, I could not think of the reason why.
My friend then said something to me yesterday that made all the pieces fall into place.
Back home, my friends found out I cheated on my boyfriend and they have all decided they hate me now and I was telling my friend about this.
He then said "You used to be the golden girl. They don't actually hate you, they will get over it. It's just they found out you aren't perfect and it shocked them."
The second he said this my whole life seemed to make sense.
I have always been pressured by everyone to be perfect.
My parents.
My friends.
      Teachers.
      Peers.
      Relatives.
I've always been "the golden girl".
I'm an only child but I have a very close extended family.
All my cousins are, for lack of a better word, fuck ups.
The oldest dropped out of high school, has been addicted to drugs and still lives at home. Needless to say he is a bit of a disappointment.
The second oldest is a bit of a party girl. She went to college, dropped out, went back, and has dropped out again. So she has exhausted my family's patience and bank accounts.
My cousin who is a few months younger than I am is something like 12 credits away from getting her diploma when she should have graduated this year, enjoys smoking pot a little bit too much and is dating a drug dealer who divides his time between her and jail.
Then there is me. Seemingly perfect Bea. Good grades. I do not do harsh drugs. I do not drink in excess. The first person in my entire family to go to University.
My friend was right. I am everyone's golden girl.
My motives for skipping meals and purging now seem clear.
Subconsciously I wanted to be the golden girl.
I want to be perfect for everyone around me.
So, here's to striving for perfection until I no longer can.

 

Change.

This ends now.
I weighed myself today.
I am at my highest.
                  weight.
                      ever.
This has to end.
I texted me mom, told her i was fat.
She is paying for a gym membership.
I hate rezlife.
It comes with greasy cafeteria food, binge drinking and drunk overeating.
My seemingly endless cycle of binging and purging is obviously not working.
This.
Ends.
Now.

I will be thin.

Ugly.

I chopped off all my hair. For cancer. It felt great, to do a good deed.
Unfortunately, I lost my security blanket in the process.
My face looks round; fat.
I look like a 30-year-old, fat, soccer mom.
I used to look like a flirty, fat, cute, 18-year-old.
If i'm going to be fat, i'd prefer to at least look cute while trying to be thin.
On top of all of this I feel like I am drowning.
I got drunk and cheated on the love of my fucking life.
University mistake number one.
We broke up, obviously.
Because I'm a drunken whore.
Because he can do so much better.
Because the distance was too much to handle.
That led to a break-up binge of epic proportions.
University mistake number two.
I chopped of my Blake Lively-esque hair.
I lost the only attractive quality I had.
It was for a good cause, yes. But the minimum donation is 5 inches. I should never have let the stylist talk me into chopping it all off and donating 15 inches of hair
University mistake number 3.
In my depression brought on by single-dom and a lesbian hair-cut, I have been binging.
a lot.
and therefore purging.
a lot.
I am irritable.
        stressed.
        on edge.
        lonely.
        home sick.
        physically sick.
        mentally sick.
        exhausted.
        dizzy.
        dehydrated.
        frustrated.
        ugly.
        fat.
My throat hurts, my knuckles are scabbed, I have what feels like never ending heart-burn.
I need help. I need a friend.
I need to be skinny.
I need to stop shoving food down my throat.
I cannot purge anymore, my body can't take it.
I don't know what to do. Sometimes when I purge, I pray that my esophagus ruptures so my lungs can fill with vomit and I can just be done with it all.

Love and Support.

"you love food a little too much, don't you"
It's funny, isn't it? How one tiny, little, pea sized comment said in an off-handed manner, meant to be humorous, can send us spiralling out of control.
A bite of pizza is what promted this comment.
Not a slice.
One.
     Single.
             Bite.
This is what my loving, caring mother has to say to me. Thanksgiving. A time for family.
I cry.
My boyfriend attempts to comforts me.
I'm fat.
     You're beautiful.
You're a liar.
Tears
        f
         a
           l
            l.
Pillow wet, black from mascara.
Boyfriend pissed.
Mom thinks i'm fat.
I am fat.
And she was right to call me on it.
How I expect to lose weight eating Pizza is beyond me. This one-bite-won't-hurt mentality has got to stop. I am glad to be back in rez, lightyears away from that woman and her compassion. I do better on my own. I eat less on my own.
I can do this.
Stay strong with me lovelies, if any of you are out there, stay strong.
We can do this.

Laxative Abuse

I am empty.
18 laxatives later and all I am is water and blood.
I am in pain. I skipped my first class today simply because I was writhing in pain.
The good news is, my severe stomach cramps kept me from eating all day. So far, my calorie count is 3. I had a stick of gum today for Lunch. Dinner is in 30 minutes and I feel invincible
I can do this
I will do this.
Christmas, i will be thin.. 
Perfect.

I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat.
I Ate.
A Fistful of laxatives. 

University Life

Its been too long since I've posted. I've moved far, far away to pursue my education. I've moved far away from my failure, from my enemies and my friends. No more strange looks in the Cafeteria as I toss my entire lunch in the trash, no more pestering mother counting every bite as I painfully chew and swallow. It's just me and my roommate Ana.
I can feel myself slipping further and further down the rabbit hole; my body tingles with anticipation an excitement.
By Christmas I will be Thin,
                                         Beautiful.