Phuck food.

I love not eating. I'd forgotten the simple pleasure of a growling stomach and an empty bowel. I feel as though I can go on forever. I am so close to another goal I can taste it. Stay strong, my lovelies. Do whatever you need too to get through the day.

4 down and feeling good.

The first solid shit after laxing is euphoric. In other news, 4 of those 10 pounds are gone once again. 

10 pounds up and breaking down

If anyone remembers what it feels like to not loath yourself, please let me know. I'd like to stop crying and get up off the bathroom floor at some point. 

Please stop.

Please stop commenting on my size.

Please stop commenting on various body parts.

Please stop asking me about my eating habits.

Please just let me be.

It's funny isn't it? In the beginning all I wanted in the whole wide world was for someone, anyone to tell me I looked like I lost weight. Now I cringe every time I hear it. 

What is happiness?

Just tried on my prom dress from two years ago.

It's too big.

Why doesn't that make me happy?

It's been too long (once again)

Hello dear friends,

I am sorry (once again) for not posting regularly. Life is... Life.

On the bright side of things, I weigh less then I did when I graduated high school (meaning this is the smallest I've been in 2 1/2 years) it is still not enough.

None of my clothes fit well. Everything is baggy and slowly slips down past my hips and off my shoulders.

This does not make me happy.

I've reached my first goal (surpassed actually) but it simply Isn't enough. Will it ever be enough? I am torn. I want to eat. My body craves nutrients. But after ballooning to maximum capacity during first year I am terrified. This terror is all consuming. In my mind, every calorie I allow to pass my lips will stick to my thighs for eternity, trapping me back into my previous size 14 body. Yesterday, as I was changing into pyjamas, I caught a side glimpse of my body in the mirror and began to sob. I am disgusting. I've cut my pant size in half, and I still feel disgusting. The sight of my body is grotesque. I do not want anyone to see me. The boys in my life, the (ex) best friend and ex boyfriend I describe so often, are both douches. I haven't spoken to ex-bestfriend in weeks. He puts no effort into contacting me and I am exhausted from trying to save our friendship. But I am no longer angry. I feel as though I am ready to let him slip out of my life. The ex-boyfriend, on the other hand, has taken me completely by surprise. We slept together once (our summertime tradition) but he is running with a new crowd nowadays. Ironically, my old crowd whom he used to mock. Those same people shocked by the fall of their golden girl (guess what, they still have not gotten over my cheating). The ex has forgiven me and we were friends, so I thought. Now, he'll only come over at 2 am for sex, and he's out the door by 5. He also will not be seen with me around his new crowd. It's as if he is ashamed of me. He can go fuck himself. After almost 5 years of dating, and two years of friendship after that, I will not allow him to treat me like a booty call. This is why girls like me have zero self-worth. It is because boys like that tell us through their actions that we are worthless. 

Stay strong my lovelies, I'll be back soon.

Finals

The stress is getting out of hand.
Stimulants. Hallucinogenics. Staying up all night.
No food. Vomit. Cigarettes. Loneliness.
Freedom is within reach...
But what does that mean?