Love and Support.

"you love food a little too much, don't you"
It's funny, isn't it? How one tiny, little, pea sized comment said in an off-handed manner, meant to be humorous, can send us spiralling out of control.
A bite of pizza is what promted this comment.
Not a slice.
One.
     Single.
             Bite.
This is what my loving, caring mother has to say to me. Thanksgiving. A time for family.
I cry.
My boyfriend attempts to comforts me.
I'm fat.
     You're beautiful.
You're a liar.
Tears
        f
         a
           l
            l.
Pillow wet, black from mascara.
Boyfriend pissed.
Mom thinks i'm fat.
I am fat.
And she was right to call me on it.
How I expect to lose weight eating Pizza is beyond me. This one-bite-won't-hurt mentality has got to stop. I am glad to be back in rez, lightyears away from that woman and her compassion. I do better on my own. I eat less on my own.
I can do this.
Stay strong with me lovelies, if any of you are out there, stay strong.
We can do this.

Laxative Abuse

I am empty.
18 laxatives later and all I am is water and blood.
I am in pain. I skipped my first class today simply because I was writhing in pain.
The good news is, my severe stomach cramps kept me from eating all day. So far, my calorie count is 3. I had a stick of gum today for Lunch. Dinner is in 30 minutes and I feel invincible
I can do this
I will do this.
Christmas, i will be thin.. 
Perfect.

I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat.
I Ate.
A Fistful of laxatives. 

University Life

Its been too long since I've posted. I've moved far, far away to pursue my education. I've moved far away from my failure, from my enemies and my friends. No more strange looks in the Cafeteria as I toss my entire lunch in the trash, no more pestering mother counting every bite as I painfully chew and swallow. It's just me and my roommate Ana.
I can feel myself slipping further and further down the rabbit hole; my body tingles with anticipation an excitement.
By Christmas I will be Thin,
                                         Beautiful.

After success, inevitably come failure.

Ever go to a fast food place, order twice as much as you can eat (food you do not even like), drive to an abandoned parking lot, and eat while you cry, then stop yourself because now your food is soggy with tears and throw it out?
Ask me how my night went.
 I went to a local pizza place, God only knows why. They sell pizza by the slice, but you know, they aren't regular slices. They are huge. I bought two. Pepperoni is all they had. I hate pepperoni. I ate it anyways. One slice in, I got ahold of myself. I ran to the nearest garbage can and threw the other slice out. But it was too late, the damage had been done.
I
  am
      a
Failure.

Success (?)

You know what makes me happier than anything?
Successful fasts. 48 hours without food.
It can only get better from here, and the number on the scale can only get lower.

A Dream is a Wish

One of the greatest Disney songs ever written has a line that I wonder if it has any truth. "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes"
Last night I had a dream.
I was being chased.
Now, this was not the typical being-chased-by-a-giant-hairy-beast dream.
It was Ana incarnate. She was gorgeous. Like Leslie Bibb meets Barbie

Leslie Bibb

Barbie

And she was chasing me. Running after me. yelling things like "You are fat. You are ugly. You need me."
   Is this the deepest, darkest wish my heart desires? Will Ana chase me forever?
    At the end of my dream she caught me and I awoke.
    I am forever hers; Eternally Ana.

"A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartache, whatever you wish for, you'll keep. Whatever you wish for, you'll keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true."