Why

Have you ever wondered why?
I was trying to remember the first time I skipped a meal, or the first time I purged.
And I couldn't. Then I started to wonder why?
Why did I ever think that this was the path I wanted to take?
There was the obvious, I was  am fat.
But besides that, I could not think of the reason why.
My friend then said something to me yesterday that made all the pieces fall into place.
Back home, my friends found out I cheated on my boyfriend and they have all decided they hate me now and I was telling my friend about this.
He then said "You used to be the golden girl. They don't actually hate you, they will get over it. It's just they found out you aren't perfect and it shocked them."
The second he said this my whole life seemed to make sense.
I have always been pressured by everyone to be perfect.
My parents.
My friends.
      Teachers.
      Peers.
      Relatives.
I've always been "the golden girl".
I'm an only child but I have a very close extended family.
All my cousins are, for lack of a better word, fuck ups.
The oldest dropped out of high school, has been addicted to drugs and still lives at home. Needless to say he is a bit of a disappointment.
The second oldest is a bit of a party girl. She went to college, dropped out, went back, and has dropped out again. So she has exhausted my family's patience and bank accounts.
My cousin who is a few months younger than I am is something like 12 credits away from getting her diploma when she should have graduated this year, enjoys smoking pot a little bit too much and is dating a drug dealer who divides his time between her and jail.
Then there is me. Seemingly perfect Bea. Good grades. I do not do harsh drugs. I do not drink in excess. The first person in my entire family to go to University.
My friend was right. I am everyone's golden girl.
My motives for skipping meals and purging now seem clear.
Subconsciously I wanted to be the golden girl.
I want to be perfect for everyone around me.
So, here's to striving for perfection until I no longer can.

 

Change.

This ends now.
I weighed myself today.
I am at my highest.
                  weight.
                      ever.
This has to end.
I texted me mom, told her i was fat.
She is paying for a gym membership.
I hate rezlife.
It comes with greasy cafeteria food, binge drinking and drunk overeating.
My seemingly endless cycle of binging and purging is obviously not working.
This.
Ends.
Now.

I will be thin.

Ugly.

I chopped off all my hair. For cancer. It felt great, to do a good deed.
Unfortunately, I lost my security blanket in the process.
My face looks round; fat.
I look like a 30-year-old, fat, soccer mom.
I used to look like a flirty, fat, cute, 18-year-old.
If i'm going to be fat, i'd prefer to at least look cute while trying to be thin.
On top of all of this I feel like I am drowning.
I got drunk and cheated on the love of my fucking life.
University mistake number one.
We broke up, obviously.
Because I'm a drunken whore.
Because he can do so much better.
Because the distance was too much to handle.
That led to a break-up binge of epic proportions.
University mistake number two.
I chopped of my Blake Lively-esque hair.
I lost the only attractive quality I had.
It was for a good cause, yes. But the minimum donation is 5 inches. I should never have let the stylist talk me into chopping it all off and donating 15 inches of hair
University mistake number 3.
In my depression brought on by single-dom and a lesbian hair-cut, I have been binging.
a lot.
and therefore purging.
a lot.
I am irritable.
        stressed.
        on edge.
        lonely.
        home sick.
        physically sick.
        mentally sick.
        exhausted.
        dizzy.
        dehydrated.
        frustrated.
        ugly.
        fat.
My throat hurts, my knuckles are scabbed, I have what feels like never ending heart-burn.
I need help. I need a friend.
I need to be skinny.
I need to stop shoving food down my throat.
I cannot purge anymore, my body can't take it.
I don't know what to do. Sometimes when I purge, I pray that my esophagus ruptures so my lungs can fill with vomit and I can just be done with it all.

Love and Support.

"you love food a little too much, don't you"
It's funny, isn't it? How one tiny, little, pea sized comment said in an off-handed manner, meant to be humorous, can send us spiralling out of control.
A bite of pizza is what promted this comment.
Not a slice.
One.
     Single.
             Bite.
This is what my loving, caring mother has to say to me. Thanksgiving. A time for family.
I cry.
My boyfriend attempts to comforts me.
I'm fat.
     You're beautiful.
You're a liar.
Tears
        f
         a
           l
            l.
Pillow wet, black from mascara.
Boyfriend pissed.
Mom thinks i'm fat.
I am fat.
And she was right to call me on it.
How I expect to lose weight eating Pizza is beyond me. This one-bite-won't-hurt mentality has got to stop. I am glad to be back in rez, lightyears away from that woman and her compassion. I do better on my own. I eat less on my own.
I can do this.
Stay strong with me lovelies, if any of you are out there, stay strong.
We can do this.

Laxative Abuse

I am empty.
18 laxatives later and all I am is water and blood.
I am in pain. I skipped my first class today simply because I was writhing in pain.
The good news is, my severe stomach cramps kept me from eating all day. So far, my calorie count is 3. I had a stick of gum today for Lunch. Dinner is in 30 minutes and I feel invincible
I can do this
I will do this.
Christmas, i will be thin.. 
Perfect.

I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat. I Will Not Eat.
I Ate.
A Fistful of laxatives. 

University Life

Its been too long since I've posted. I've moved far, far away to pursue my education. I've moved far away from my failure, from my enemies and my friends. No more strange looks in the Cafeteria as I toss my entire lunch in the trash, no more pestering mother counting every bite as I painfully chew and swallow. It's just me and my roommate Ana.
I can feel myself slipping further and further down the rabbit hole; my body tingles with anticipation an excitement.
By Christmas I will be Thin,
                                         Beautiful.

After success, inevitably come failure.

Ever go to a fast food place, order twice as much as you can eat (food you do not even like), drive to an abandoned parking lot, and eat while you cry, then stop yourself because now your food is soggy with tears and throw it out?
Ask me how my night went.
 I went to a local pizza place, God only knows why. They sell pizza by the slice, but you know, they aren't regular slices. They are huge. I bought two. Pepperoni is all they had. I hate pepperoni. I ate it anyways. One slice in, I got ahold of myself. I ran to the nearest garbage can and threw the other slice out. But it was too late, the damage had been done.
I
  am
      a
Failure.

Success (?)

You know what makes me happier than anything?
Successful fasts. 48 hours without food.
It can only get better from here, and the number on the scale can only get lower.

A Dream is a Wish

One of the greatest Disney songs ever written has a line that I wonder if it has any truth. "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes"
Last night I had a dream.
I was being chased.
Now, this was not the typical being-chased-by-a-giant-hairy-beast dream.
It was Ana incarnate. She was gorgeous. Like Leslie Bibb meets Barbie

Leslie Bibb

Barbie

And she was chasing me. Running after me. yelling things like "You are fat. You are ugly. You need me."
   Is this the deepest, darkest wish my heart desires? Will Ana chase me forever?
    At the end of my dream she caught me and I awoke.
    I am forever hers; Eternally Ana.

"A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartache, whatever you wish for, you'll keep. Whatever you wish for, you'll keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true."

Where is the warning label?

My hair is falling out.
Not in the normal, daily hair loss the average person has.
I am talking chunks.
I ate today, as my mother watched me.
Unbearable stomach cramps followed.
Why?
I did not eat, greasy, disgusting fast food or junk.
I had grilled chicken and veggies.
I feel like I ate a box of laxatives.
Why?
Unforeseen side effects of not eating?
         Or coincidence?
I Wish Ana came with a paper insert listing potential side effects.
Or a fast-talking voice quickly telling me of the dangers.
Organ failure I can accept.
But Hair loss?

All Alone

I need a solid support system. But I cannot tell anyone exactly what is going on.

I am irritable.

I am on edge.

I am alienating my friends.

 Twice this week I was told "My God! You've lost a lot of weight"

I do not believe them. "You look great!".  I am fat. Everyone seems to be noticing a difference.

Everyone except Me

and Ana.

  I feel so isolated.

           so alone.

I need someone who understands. Someone like me.

 The secrecy is getting to much.

I just want to be thinner tomorrow than i am today.

                           Happier tomorrow.

Ana > Mia

Purging is by far the absolute worst thing. When you are successful, you are sitting there, on your knees (I like to purge in the shower, the warm water is nice), hand down your throat, un-eating whatever it is you last shoved down your disgusting mouth. Then, there are days like today. Binge days. Days where you eat ChickenQuesadillaGrapesOrangeJuicePizzaPopcornChocolatePeanutButterIceCreamCookies. But no matter how hard you try, no matter how many fingers I shove down there, Nothing comes up. NOTHING. I'm burping and gaging, but everything remains, slowly digesting, destroying me from the inside out.
This.
     Is.
       Bad.
Fast, Fast, Water, Gym, & more Fasting.
Considering i've consumed enough calories to keep my body running for a year, I must not eat.
  Not eating is becoming a growing concern, you see suspicions are on the rise.
       Mum knows, but is in denial I think. Her comments like "My God, your collarbones are sticking out way more than they used to! You aren't going anorexic on me are you?" and her refusal to buy me salad. (Literally, she went to a fast food place, I asked for a garden salad, she comes home with a large fry and a fried chicken sandwich). It's like, subconsciously she knows, but she is too afraid to acknowledge it.
      The love of my life. God bless him really, he is concerned. He has been taking notice to my apple-a-day weekends and my salad only meals. "But you are not fat! I do not understand, you are beautiful just the way you are! You don't need to diet like this." I wish I could see in me what he sees. I won't even let him touch me anymore, I can't. We've been together for four years, and I can't let him touch me. His love is unconditional, and at this point, is one of the few things I am absolutely blessed to have.
      Then there is my best-friend. He is the only person who knows. I told him everything. He understands, but is concerned. "Just stop, Bea, Please. It's not good for you." I wish I could, I say. But trying to explain Ana and Mia to someone who doesn't know them is impossible. It's so much more than a bad habit. It's not like i'm forgetting to turn the lights of when I leave. It's hard. And the sick thing is,
I don't want to get better.  
I mean, I'm not even skinny yet, right?
  And that is essentially my life.
Sorry about the rant... I kinda trailed off there...
Anyways, Today I binged, but Mia deserted me. I could not purge. Ana is my one true love. I'm bloated and disgusting and it's time to attempt to sleep it off. Ana, tomorrow, I am running back into your wide open arms.

Hello, World.

Hello, world.
      Nice to meet you. I'm here to tell the tale of me and my best frenemy,
                                        Ana.
Ana and I have been friends for a long time, and this is our story. Maybe no one will ever read this blog. But, it doesn't matter because I feel as though this blog is for me. I need the universe to hear my story. I need it to be out there, even if it's just floating around, unseen, for all of eternity. So this is me. Take me as I am. Hate me, love me, support me, reject me. I just want everyone to know that this is NOT a pro-ana/pro-mia blog. I am not advocating (nor condemning, mind you) any of the behaviours I partake in. I simply have a desire need to get my story out; to get it off my chest.
         Stay strong, starve on