Purging is by far the absolute worst thing. When you are successful, you are sitting there, on your knees (I like to purge in the shower, the warm water is nice), hand down your throat, un-eating whatever it is you last shoved down your disgusting mouth. Then, there are days like today. Binge days. Days where you eat ChickenQuesadillaGrapesOrangeJuicePizzaPopcornChocolatePeanutButterIceCreamCookies. But no matter how hard you try, no matter how many fingers I shove down there, Nothing comes up. NOTHING. I'm burping and gaging, but everything remains, slowly digesting, destroying me from the inside out.
This.
Is.
Bad.
Fast, Fast, Water, Gym, & more Fasting.
Considering i've consumed enough calories to keep my body running for a year, I must not eat.
Not eating is becoming a growing concern, you see suspicions are on the rise.
Mum knows, but is in denial I think. Her comments like "My God, your collarbones are sticking out way more than they used to! You aren't going anorexic on me are you?" and her refusal to buy me salad. (Literally, she went to a fast food place, I asked for a garden salad, she comes home with a large fry and a fried chicken sandwich). It's like, subconsciously she knows, but she is too afraid to acknowledge it.
The love of my life. God bless him really, he is concerned. He has been taking notice to my apple-a-day weekends and my salad only meals. "But you are not fat! I do not understand, you are beautiful just the way you are! You don't need to diet like this." I wish I could see in me what he sees. I won't even let him touch me anymore, I can't. We've been together for four years, and I can't let him touch me. His love is unconditional, and at this point, is one of the few things I am absolutely blessed to have.
Then there is my best-friend. He is the only person who knows. I told him everything. He understands, but is concerned. "Just stop, Bea, Please. It's not good for you." I wish I could, I say. But trying to explain Ana and Mia to someone who doesn't know them is impossible. It's so much more than a bad habit. It's not like i'm forgetting to turn the lights of when I leave. It's hard. And the sick thing is,
I don't want to get better.
I mean, I'm not even
skinny yet, right?
And that is essentially my life.
Sorry about the rant... I kinda trailed off there...
Anyways, Today I binged, but Mia deserted me. I could not purge. Ana is my one true love. I'm bloated and disgusting and it's time to attempt to sleep it off. Ana, tomorrow, I am running back into your wide open arms.
