1.85

1.85
That lovely, tiny little number is my GPA.
Surprise, surprise. Bea is on academic probation. 
YAY! I fail at school along with everything else in life.
Cue the tears.
Cry on what would have been my 5th anniversary with my ex boyfriend. Too bad i fucked it up by cheating on him. Binge. Purge. Burst a blood vessel in my eye, how attractive. Text my best friend who I'm hopelessly in love with. Cry some more.
So basically this first week of summer vacation has been filled with wallowing in self-pity and chain smoking. OH, I took up smoking too, I'm so healthy with my habits.
I did read a book this week. Reading always calms me down. It was a biography of the Rolling Stones and all their escapades from the 60s through the 80s. It gave me a new appreciation for their music. I'd also take up coke if I could afford it. I then proceeded to get unbearably high smoking pot and ate an obscene amount of food planning on purging. Oops, I was so high I passed out half-way through "Sympathy for the Devil" snuggling a half-eaten chocolate Santa I found at the back of the cupboard.
Complete and utter failure.

I'm sorry it's been so long lovelies. Life gets crazy.
To sum up the last few months:
I'm in love with my best friend. He is in love with someone else.
Purging peaked at twice a day.
Now, twice a week seems to be the norm.
I've taken up smoking to try and cope with stress.
I attempted group therapy. Quit because i was too scared.
Went to see a psychiatrist. Only twice. Lied about how often i purge and was told "I don't think you have any serious eating disorder"Relief? Stress.
Blood.
Blood in the toilet.
Blood in my nose.
Blood in my mouth.
All time high weight. Shame.
Tears. Smiles. Tears.
4 months without sex. I am afraid of real intimacy. How could anyone love me? I am ashamed of my body.
Nobody can see it but me.
Nobody can touch it.
All my self-isolation has led to my C's turning into B's (Yay)
An anorexic beauty, my dear friend, attempted suicide.
Anger, regret, sorrow.
I wrote this blog.
Remember lovelies, do whatever makes you happy.