So, scrolling through Tumblr I've noticed a few things.
1. An overload of pictures of impossibly thin and beautiful women, enough to make any young girl feel bad about herself (not okay with this)
2. Girls claiming they want an eating disorder...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!
Obviously someone has been lying to the youth of today, because there is nothing glamorous about what I do. Although I have had my experiences with fasting and extreme restricting, I never became really sick with anorexia. Bulimia is my monster with the occasional slip into analand.
Let's first look at the physical "Glamor" of what I do.
First, eat a disgusting amount of food. Anything. Everything you can get your hands on. Dip your Doritos in peanut butter. Combine the contents of your cupboards in a bowl and just eat. It doesn't really matter. Chances are you will be so frenzied you won't even notice what it tastes like.
Now, head to the bathroom. If you are home and alone, you are lucky. If you are in public, at first you feel reluctant.
Now the real "fun" begins. You lock the door, turn on the water (Don't worry, eventually you won't need to because you will become silent. No gagging or burping, Only the sound of vomit hitting water and your sobbing. Maybe you are emotionless, or maybe you are like me and cry. Puking and crying. Depending on the water level in your toilet, you will get puke on yourself. This is inevitable. It will happen eventually.
Now, your face is red and blotchy, you are covered in your own vomit, your throat burns and is puffy, eyes watering, nose running. Maybe you burst a blood vessel in your eye. Your knuckles are red. If you keep it up the red with turn into cuts that will turn into scabs that will turn into scars. I can only speak for myself, but I am in the bad habit of picking at my knuckles, leaving them scarred.
Eventually, your knuckles will be raw. But that's okay, even though it hurts to bite them, you don't need to anymore. It's almost as if you can will the food up and out of your stomach.
You flush the toilet (or put the vomit bag in the back of your closet, or close the dumpster) and examine yourself in a mirror. First, you fix yourself up. Wash your hands, wipe your tears. Perfection. You feel high. You control food, it has no control over you is what you tell yourself. This is the opposite of the truth. Food has all the control.
This high does not last long. Many bulimics feel emotionless during the binge/purge. But at some point, you will have random breakdowns. I cried watching Family Guy once. Stewie was standing in front of his mirror commenting on how fat he was getting and that perhaps he should throw up his dinner. And I just started to cry.
It doesn't matter the circumstance.
Crying on the bus.
In my car.
In front of friends.
In public.
Give it a few months, that's when the real fun begins. I can only speak from personal experience, but after awhile the effects of Bulimia really begin to take their toll. Apart from the scabbing and dry skin on your hand and bust blood vessels in your eyes (these things heal fairly easily) something darker has begun inside your body.
Blood. Just blood. In your Kleenex. In your vomit. In your shit. Blood.
Swelling in your throat. Burning. Acid reflux so bad you can't sleep.
Indigestion. Stomach pains. The inability to shit, So far beyond regular constipation.
Your teeth are in constant pain. It hurts to brush your teeth. To eat. To drink.
Once the detrimental effects of bulimia take their course, your friends and relatives will no doubt take notice eventually. But don't worry, soon enough you will push them away and they won't care what happens to you.
Bulimia is one of the most violent things a person can do to themselves. Cutting is very much a visible thing. Bulimia is an act of violent rage against the body just like cutting, it's just harder to see. It is an act of hatred covered by control.
Of course we all want to be thin. These things always start as a "diet". But there are more often than not underlying issues. Eating Disorders are a mental illness. You can fight me on that, saying it's a choice blahblahblah. They ARE a mental illness. That is a fact. There is something wrong in they way that we think there is nothing wrong with our behavior.
To say that you want and eating disorder is insulting. Why would you want this? There is absolutely nothing glamorous about it. It is not a choice. I realize that at some point we all made the decision to vomit for the first time. Whether that decision was conscious or not I cannot say.
Whoa. Sorry about that rant.
Thanks to pagesofsweetpeas for your kind and helpful comments. They are always appreciated <3
Stay strong lovelies,
Don't let the bastards get you down.
