Curiouser and curiouser..

Yesterday, the strangest thing happened.
I began eating, as usual. Cheezies first, the bright orange usually a good marker.
Followed by crackers and rice. Then excused myself to the bathroom to "take care of buisness" if you will. I began purging...
Bright orange first,
followed by white (presumably crackers)
followed by brown (rice).
What in the actual fuck is going on in my esophagus? 
Why am I puking things in the order that I ate them?!?
That is the whole point of markers, because basic biology states that when yakking, whatever you ate first will come out last.
Apparently not.
Other than that, things have been routine.
Skip breakfast.
Drive to work (2 Camels).
Go out for lunch (1 Camel).
Purge.
Go back to work (1Camel).
Drive home (2 Camels).
Optional snack.
Purge.
Drive to and from gym (2 Camels).
Shower.
Sleep.

Burned a hole in my skirt driving to work today. Also puked all over it after lunch.
The only thing that is driving me absolutely bananas is the fact that I cannot find a reliable scale.
The one at home says I haven't lost an ounce since being home. The one at the gym says I've lost 23 pounds.

Strange things are happening...

The lies we tell

Yesterday, I purged 3 times.
 I lied to my dear friend, who is getting help for her eating disorder. I don't know why I lied. I told her I am only purging twice a week.
She will most likely read this and feel great sorrow for me. I do not want her to be sad. The sick thing is, I'm Happy.
My mother says "When you first got home, you were so fat"
                         "You have lost a lot of inches"
                         "The weird thing is, you still eat"
                         "I'm jealous, if i ate what you ate i'd never lose weight"
                         "If you lose 40 pounds by September, I'll give you
                         1000$"
 My mother walks in on me purging, she feigns concern. How can she be so oblivious?
I am scaring myself at how good I am at purging.
Silence. Only the sound of vomit hitting water. Quick. No more than 10 minutes in the bathroom.
No more puffy face. Only watering eyes. Calloused knuckles and another burst blood vessel in my eye.
I lie to my best friend who I am in love with
He says "You've lost weight"
I say      "Not according to the scale"
He says "My roommates say you look like you've lost weight"
I say      "I haven't"
He says "I'm hungry, want to get lunch?"
I say     "Please don't make me eat"
He wants me to see a doctor. I tell him I am fine.
I tell him I do not have an eating disorder.
He still wants me to see a doctor.
I think "I will when I lose 50 pounds"
Yesterday's meals went something like this:
Breakfast - 1/2 Grapefruit (41)
                - 2 Camel Blue cigarettes
               - Water
Snack      - Thinsations Cookies (100) {purged}
Lunch      - 1/2 Cup of Pasta (250)
Snack      - Chips & Jalapeno Dip (Way Too Many) {Purged}
               - Diet Coke (1) {Purged}
               - 1 Camel Blue cigarette
Dinner     - Baked Chicken Burger (280)
Snack     - Twistos Cracker Bites (Whole Bag :s) {Purged}
               - Diet Coke (1) {Purged}
               - 2 Camel Blue Cigarettes
Water Intake - 96 oz.
Total Caloric Intake: 571
Gym Output - 506
Total = 65

This needs to be zero. 

Yesterday, after the ease and efficiency I showed while purging, I was so proud of myself I made the decision to attempt to purge everything.
Stay Strong Lovelies.

1.85

1.85
That lovely, tiny little number is my GPA.
Surprise, surprise. Bea is on academic probation. 
YAY! I fail at school along with everything else in life.
Cue the tears.
Cry on what would have been my 5th anniversary with my ex boyfriend. Too bad i fucked it up by cheating on him. Binge. Purge. Burst a blood vessel in my eye, how attractive. Text my best friend who I'm hopelessly in love with. Cry some more.
So basically this first week of summer vacation has been filled with wallowing in self-pity and chain smoking. OH, I took up smoking too, I'm so healthy with my habits.
I did read a book this week. Reading always calms me down. It was a biography of the Rolling Stones and all their escapades from the 60s through the 80s. It gave me a new appreciation for their music. I'd also take up coke if I could afford it. I then proceeded to get unbearably high smoking pot and ate an obscene amount of food planning on purging. Oops, I was so high I passed out half-way through "Sympathy for the Devil" snuggling a half-eaten chocolate Santa I found at the back of the cupboard.
Complete and utter failure.

I'm sorry it's been so long lovelies. Life gets crazy.
To sum up the last few months:
I'm in love with my best friend. He is in love with someone else.
Purging peaked at twice a day.
Now, twice a week seems to be the norm.
I've taken up smoking to try and cope with stress.
I attempted group therapy. Quit because i was too scared.
Went to see a psychiatrist. Only twice. Lied about how often i purge and was told "I don't think you have any serious eating disorder"Relief? Stress.
Blood.
Blood in the toilet.
Blood in my nose.
Blood in my mouth.
All time high weight. Shame.
Tears. Smiles. Tears.
4 months without sex. I am afraid of real intimacy. How could anyone love me? I am ashamed of my body.
Nobody can see it but me.
Nobody can touch it.
All my self-isolation has led to my C's turning into B's (Yay)
An anorexic beauty, my dear friend, attempted suicide.
Anger, regret, sorrow.
I wrote this blog.
Remember lovelies, do whatever makes you happy.

Why

Have you ever wondered why?
I was trying to remember the first time I skipped a meal, or the first time I purged.
And I couldn't. Then I started to wonder why?
Why did I ever think that this was the path I wanted to take?
There was the obvious, I was  am fat.
But besides that, I could not think of the reason why.
My friend then said something to me yesterday that made all the pieces fall into place.
Back home, my friends found out I cheated on my boyfriend and they have all decided they hate me now and I was telling my friend about this.
He then said "You used to be the golden girl. They don't actually hate you, they will get over it. It's just they found out you aren't perfect and it shocked them."
The second he said this my whole life seemed to make sense.
I have always been pressured by everyone to be perfect.
My parents.
My friends.
      Teachers.
      Peers.
      Relatives.
I've always been "the golden girl".
I'm an only child but I have a very close extended family.
All my cousins are, for lack of a better word, fuck ups.
The oldest dropped out of high school, has been addicted to drugs and still lives at home. Needless to say he is a bit of a disappointment.
The second oldest is a bit of a party girl. She went to college, dropped out, went back, and has dropped out again. So she has exhausted my family's patience and bank accounts.
My cousin who is a few months younger than I am is something like 12 credits away from getting her diploma when she should have graduated this year, enjoys smoking pot a little bit too much and is dating a drug dealer who divides his time between her and jail.
Then there is me. Seemingly perfect Bea. Good grades. I do not do harsh drugs. I do not drink in excess. The first person in my entire family to go to University.
My friend was right. I am everyone's golden girl.
My motives for skipping meals and purging now seem clear.
Subconsciously I wanted to be the golden girl.
I want to be perfect for everyone around me.
So, here's to striving for perfection until I no longer can.

 

Change.

This ends now.
I weighed myself today.
I am at my highest.
                  weight.
                      ever.
This has to end.
I texted me mom, told her i was fat.
She is paying for a gym membership.
I hate rezlife.
It comes with greasy cafeteria food, binge drinking and drunk overeating.
My seemingly endless cycle of binging and purging is obviously not working.
This.
Ends.
Now.

I will be thin.

Ugly.

I chopped off all my hair. For cancer. It felt great, to do a good deed.
Unfortunately, I lost my security blanket in the process.
My face looks round; fat.
I look like a 30-year-old, fat, soccer mom.
I used to look like a flirty, fat, cute, 18-year-old.
If i'm going to be fat, i'd prefer to at least look cute while trying to be thin.
On top of all of this I feel like I am drowning.
I got drunk and cheated on the love of my fucking life.
University mistake number one.
We broke up, obviously.
Because I'm a drunken whore.
Because he can do so much better.
Because the distance was too much to handle.
That led to a break-up binge of epic proportions.
University mistake number two.
I chopped of my Blake Lively-esque hair.
I lost the only attractive quality I had.
It was for a good cause, yes. But the minimum donation is 5 inches. I should never have let the stylist talk me into chopping it all off and donating 15 inches of hair
University mistake number 3.
In my depression brought on by single-dom and a lesbian hair-cut, I have been binging.
a lot.
and therefore purging.
a lot.
I am irritable.
        stressed.
        on edge.
        lonely.
        home sick.
        physically sick.
        mentally sick.
        exhausted.
        dizzy.
        dehydrated.
        frustrated.
        ugly.
        fat.
My throat hurts, my knuckles are scabbed, I have what feels like never ending heart-burn.
I need help. I need a friend.
I need to be skinny.
I need to stop shoving food down my throat.
I cannot purge anymore, my body can't take it.
I don't know what to do. Sometimes when I purge, I pray that my esophagus ruptures so my lungs can fill with vomit and I can just be done with it all.